i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize