Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
