i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
