If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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