dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
