someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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