So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
