I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
