wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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