So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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