sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
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New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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