You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
