This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
