I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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