So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
