well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
