then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
