I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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