Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
