biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
