I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
