Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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