thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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