it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
