i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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