The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.