I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
