my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
