She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
