my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
