i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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