btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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