Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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