I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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