i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
