i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize