what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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