I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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