I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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