after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He better not be in your backpack
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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