I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
