god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
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I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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