As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You are a genius and a whore.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize