You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
