we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Farmville is her only friend.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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