And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
