Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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