she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
