i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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