I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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