Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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