I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
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his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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