Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
