I hate your face
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
