I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
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I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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