saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
