Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
two words: eviction party
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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