Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
